Help for Adults Processing Their Parents' Divorce

There is often a lot of focus and attention on supporting children through their parents' separation, however, coming to terms with your parents going their separate ways can be difficult to process at any age.

Whilst adult children of a marriage may no longer be living at home or need any arrangements making for them as a result of the divorce, they can still be deeply affected and in some instances, more impacted due to younger children often being resilient or not quite understanding the emotions involved in a separation.

Our divorce and family lawyers at Lamb Brooks have experience of dealing with separating couples and their families at various ages and stages of their lives. In this blog, they share some tips to help adults to cope with their parents' divorce.

Divorcing Later in Life

Statistics suggest that over the years, divorce amongst the older generations has steadily increased. In 2021, 1 in 4 of UK divorces were for couples over the age of 50. There is also a surge of people separating after reaching retirement.

There are a number of reasons why this might be:

• The stigma of divorce is long gone, with many people accepting that divorce is a fact of life and not something to be ashamed of.
• Women have more financial freedom than in previous generations where they might be forced to remain in an unhappy marriage as they had no source of income or concept of financial matters.
• People are living longer and healthier lives, so there really can be plenty of live after divorce if splitting up later in life.
• Mental health and wellbeing is spoken about much more openly nowadays allowing people the headspace to review their relationships and take control of their own happiness.
• Retirement opportunities are plentiful, meaning that couples can drift apart during retirement as they want different things.

Many people still remain together for the sake of their children, which can mean that they wait until children have flown the nest or settled with their own adult lives before they start the process of divorce.

Tips for Coping with Your Parents' Divorcing

It can be very upsetting to hear about your parents' parting ways – particularly if you are from a close family and always admired your parents' relationship.

It can cause a period of unsettlement and make you question what the future will look like. Who will you stay with for Christmas? How will the grandchildren react? Will they cope without each other? What happens if one of them become ill? How will family events work if they are not getting along? These, and many more, are all thoughts that might be going through your mind.

Here are some tips for coping with your parents' divorce.

1. Avoid Taking Sides

You may be privy to more of the details of the separation as an adult so it can be difficult not to find yourself picking a side – particularly if the divorce has been ill-received by one parent or has come out of the blue. Try to stay neutral and don’t get involved in their conflicts or speak badly about them to each other. Your relationship with each parent shouldn’t need to change.

2. Make Boundaries Clear

It is important to set boundaries with your parents and communicate if you think you are being told too much information or becoming too involved in their conflicts. If they are using you for emotional support, outstaying their welcome at your house or offloading every day about their latest disputes then make sure you put your foot down about what you are and are not prepared to listen to.

3. Avoid Taking it Personally

Try not to take the separation personally. Your parents may say they ‘only stayed together for you’ or ‘waited for you to move out’ etc. they may even blame having children too young, or having a big family for the strain on their relationship. There are usually multiple reasons why a relationship breaks down beyond repair, and it is very unlikely to be one person’s fault. Remember that they are upset, stressed and may not be saying things they really mean.

4. Allow Yourself to Grieve

Hearing the news that your parents are divorcing is difficult at any age. Whether you feel sad, concerned, angry, confused, shocked or indifferent about their choice, allow yourself to have feelings about the situation and try to manage them as best you can.

5. Look After Yourself

You are likely to have your own household, children, career and relationship to manage, so it is important not to let your parent’s divorce consume your life. If you feel overwhelmed or are not coping with the news, then seek support through your friends, other family member or speak to a professional, such as a counsellor or your GP if you need further advice.

How to be Supportive

There can be a bit of a role reversal where suddenly your parents are leaning on you for emotional support and guidance. Particularly, when the separation is a bitter or surprising one.

• Let your parents know that you are there for them but be clear that you will not be involved in their personal disputes.
• Ask how you can help – they might need assistance with practical aspects such as selling property, dealing with finances, housework or DIY.
• Make sure they instruct a Solicitor to ensure that they both have the proper legal advice when it comes to splitting assets and making financial arrangements.
• Discuss family plans and holidays with them and make sure that they are not left out or feeling uncomfortable.
• Talk to your siblings, if you have them, to ensure that you are all providing moral support.
• If you think that they are struggling, encourage them to seek help.
• Check in with both sides regularly to show your support.
• If you can, make sure that they are doing something that they enjoy to take their mind off the divorce from time to time – you could take them out for a walk, go for a coffee or take part in a class together etc.
• Keep a close eye on their mental health – divorce can be a very difficult time.

Legal Support

Getting divorced later in life can be more complicated. Your parents' may have built significant wealth together, own a property of high value, accumulated savings, investments and physical assets as well as having their finances more entangled than more recent generations. For example, older generations tend to have more joint accounts as opposed to their own separate accounts or have banks and utilities just in the man’s name. Pensions will also need to be carefully considered, as well as living arrangements, care, health and finances.

Your parents should also be updating their Wills and Lasting Powers of Attorney as a matter of urgency to reflect the major changes in the lives.

It is imperative that your parents both seek independent legal advice to ensure that their best interests are taken into consideration.

Whilst you should not be too involved in this part of the separation, you can help by pointing them in the right direction of trusted legal services, attending their first appointment for mortal support, or by helping them to conduct online searches and gather together their financial information.

If you would like to speak to a Family Solicitor in Basingstoke to see how they can help, please call us on 01256 844888 or email enquiries@lambbrooks.com. Alternatively you can complete the enquiry form on our website or speak to our online chat assistant (who is a real person, not a robot) at any time of day, including over weekends.